Character

I just finished watching the movie "Swimming Pool" starring Ludivine Sagnier and Charlotte Rampling. The film was decent and mostly kept my interest due to the extended cuts of Ludivine Sagnier. Her co-star, Rampling, plays an older English author of crime novels. The pivotal moment in the film takes place when the raunchy Sagnier attacks Rampling for criticizing her wild ways and remarks how Rampling's dull life is far from the excitement and suspense shared in her novels.

This idea reminded me of a conversation I had with someone about two years ago. The question I posed to my friend was, while reading a book, do you see yourself as the character or the author? I know that when I first really started reading books, I always saw myself in the protagonist- whether or not I had much in common with them. However, as I have gotten older and read more, I am starting to relate more to authors than the characters they create.

I'm not sure exactly when this transition was made, and whether or not this is a good thing. It's not that I consider myself to be a writer now, rather, I am reading books with a more conscious effort to understand the circumstances and period in which the story was composed. I am concerned that this propensity to relate more to the author is pejorative, in that it often leads to idolizing.

Where this question is most pertinent lies within my life philosophy, or lack there of. What I mean to say is that I am not the most confident person, and I often go about my personal interactions with a very self-aware and weary sensibility. When I am in a situation where I feel uncomfortable, I try to hold myself together with some kind of front. The first character I ever tried to embody was Travis Bickle, played by Robert DeNiro in "Taxi Driver". I was in third grade at the time, and I decided to get my hair cut into a Mohawk. I also started a regime of push-ups and sit-ups. Looking back on it, I don't think the front was very apparent- outside of my mohawk of course. I do however believe it greatly helped me achieve confidence in social settings. This was the same time when I learned to be an introvert.

I never felt comfortable introducing myself to groups of people. I would get too self-reflective and not stop wondering what all these people were thinking of me. I had to meet people one-on-one, so I could keep my concerns to a minimum. I was able to easily interpret how that person was receiving me. I could casually manipulate my speech and mannerisms to better affect the role I was assuming, without losing what I was conversing about.

It is unclear to me which is more venerable. While I'm still young I think I'll stick to the life of the character, where my actions are sure and steady.